darrenhardman

A Conversation with GOD

A Conversation withGOD

People have asked me time and time again over the years “Why did you join the military?” I have never beenable to accurately answer this question. It is just something I felt/feel I needto do. My “Calling” if you will. What I am going to attempt here is to open myself up so people can look inside me and see what has been going on in me throughout my life concerning the decision to join the military. Morespecifically the Marine Corps. All those that know me know that this is a huge undertaking for me. I am a very private person and have not really cared what people have thought of me. But after I was hurt this last time in Iraq I have felt the need to write and try and share what goes on in the mind of a soldier. Well, at least my mind. Also I have felt the need to write a book. I don’t fully understand yet, why, I need to but I’m gonna go with it. So, I write this for
the sole purpose of sharing with those who will read my stuff and maybe to leave something behind for my kids, grandkids etc. to look upon one day and maybe get an understanding of who I am.

Ok, I’m gonna put this in a dialogue like I am talking to GOD and lead you down the path of a six year olds decision to become a “Protector” and ending with the final decision at 17 to make the committment. As always please leave a comment on what you read. Usually I take the comments and use them to help me decide on whether or not to keep writing. But this time I’m just interested in what you have to say as this is just me
sharing with you who I am. Thank you as always for taking time out of your busy lives to read what I write.

Early winter 1974. A little Darren Hardman has just turned 6 a month or so ago. This evening he is sitting on the living room floor of an old rickety, draft filled house (which is a huge step up from the one he and his mother had moved out of the past summer) in the footed pajama’s he loved so much. He is playing with his favorite toy, the Navarone mountain playset. A playset based on a WWII operation of the allied forces blowing up a key German Artillery position. On the television is clips of the current withdraw of the U.S. out of vietnam and a rising conflict in a country called Angola.

Feeling compelled to look up, little Darren looks up and fully absorbs the news on these conflicts and then suddenly he looks over at his mother on the couch reading and says “Mommy, when I grow up I’m gonna be a MARINE and go to war.” (The look on my mother’s face is something
that I will never forget in my lifetime.) Just so you have some insight on things. My mother and father were divorced when I was two years old. My father was a Navy Corpsman in Danang, Vietnam, 1968. so it was still a fresh, raw wound with my mother. She looks at me with a look that I remember resembled fury and horror mixed. And she said “Don’t ever speak of things like that that you have no idea about! You do NOT want to know that misery!”

So fully entranced with the events on tv this is where the dialogue starts between what at the time I thought was me talking to myself. But after all these years I realize it was a conversation with GOD, destiny or however you want to look at it.

“I feel I need to help in protecting the people and things I love. But I don’t know what to do.” I say to myself.

“What’s wrong little one?” GOD asks.

Little 6 year old Darren in his footed pj’s looks up with wide, sad eyes and seriously says, “Sir, I want to be a marine and help make the bad guys go away! But I don’t know what to do. then with tears in his eyes he says, “When I tried to tell mommy what I wanted to do she yelled a me.”

“Aww, Little one it’s only because you frightened your mommy very badly by asking that question. You are her baby son and no mother ever wants her son to go away to war. You are still very very tiny to have these kind of thoughts.” God says. “But I can feel it in you that you are very sincere.” he continues “What I will do is set events in your life in motion to expose you to very minor but similar things for you to see what horrible things you will come to see if you choose this path. So, let’s wait for 11 years and let you experience the events and see if you still feel as strongly to
continue this path.”

“Yes sir” says little Darren.

Over the next 11 years Darren is exposed to things like being made fun of because of being poor and not wearing clothes as good as those who are well off, hearing family members talk bad things about him when they thought he wasn’t listening, hearing some of those same family members giving his mother crap because they didn’t want him there when she needed to work to make money for them, abusive babysitters, not all but some. Actually some were very nice to him. Being held over the side of the bridge high above the river by a boy 10 years older than him, being picked on for various other things such as hair, looks and being weird for wanting to read war/history books instead of the “Normal” sports and fiction like most people. Then at 13 an abusive stepfather enters the scene. The only 2 good things that come out of that was he learned how to fight and he learned what kind of person he didn’t want to become. Then in high school he was actually called a “Warmonger” by a science teacher because he expressed his interest in warbooks and history in the class introductions. The breaking point was the sophomore year when his fighting
increased and finally a reputation was getting around. He was picked on for wearing Camo and Olive drab t-shirts with sayings like “Kill a Commie for mommy” and “Kill’em all and let GOD sort them out”. He is not exactly a good kid and a popular boxing cop in town tells him the he’ll always be in town and never amount to anything good. Then his 17th birthday comes around and the fever of wanting to make a difference in the world and stand up to anything bad to protect those he loved had become an inferno in his soul. Learning his families history of being in the military only added more fuel to his supposed destiny. Over the past few years he has become infatuated with the “brotherhood” of the Marine Corps. Reading about the Esprit de Corps. The tough battles that were fought to earn them the title “Devil Dog” in WWI. The Corps was the best and
that’s what he wanted. Plus at the time in the area there were few who were going in.

So now that his 17th Birthday has arrived it was time to make the final decision on whether or not to do this.

The questions were asked.  “Do you still have the desire to go down this path?’ GOD asks.

“Yes Sir.” he answers. “I am more sure now than ever before.”

Then the question that Darren wasn’t expecting “Why and what reason do you decide to do this?” God asks.

After days of soul searching the answer comes ” Sir, the answer is multi-faced. 1.) I want to make a difference in the world and do my part to keep evil down. 2.) I feel a burning need to protect. Protect the people I love. Protect my country. Things like that. and 3.) I can never repay in thanks to you for your son dying on the cross for me and everyone else. He willingly gave up his life to protect us. I am only human but what I can do is
willingly stand up in the face of evil to protect the weak, innocent and helpless from becoming harmed. That in my eyes is what I want to do. Sir, I am not a perfect christian. I have, lied, stolen, cursed, fought and other things. But I have learned from them and know what kind of person I want to be. You know my heart. So, you know if I could I would stand between good and evil at the Armageddon and protect who I could until my last breath. So, this is what I must do.”

GOD looks at Darren and asks one final question. “Ok, it is very easy to die for those you love. BUT, can you die for those you despise as well?” “You need to be very honest here, Darren. For when you travel down this path you will see horrors beyond what you have seen thus far. You will
endure things that you think will drive you mad. Some people do go mad. You will see what horrors humanity is capable of inflicting on its own kind. Then if you’re lucky you will not survive it all. For the things you may experience will not be easily, if ever forgotten.”

Darren, pondering, thinking of the most useless, piece of junk person he knows, is he willing to die to keep him safe and allow him to protest him and continue to say mean and hurtful things to him? For Darren though the answer was easy, although he did not know why but knew it was
what he needed to do with his life.

“Yes Sir.” Darren answers.  God studies him for an instant and then says “So be it, your journey awaits.”

So at 17 Darren joins the Marine Corps and EARNS the title “MARINE”

I am aware that this may not have been what you were expecting but as I said It was an attempt to help people understand MY reasoning behind MY decision in joining the military. This was not like any of my other writings. I have revealed things here that I haven’t spoken of in many
many years. Like I said though everyone who decides to join the military needs to soulsearch greatly the reasons and possible consequences of being a protector.

I personally was/am willing to sacrifice my life in order to keep EVERYONE in this great country safe. but that is ME and MY decision. Also being told what to expect and experiencing it first hand is a great big difference. Nothing can prepare you for what you experience as one of the nations protectors. the things I have experienced will be with me for the rest of my life and have changed me in a lot of ways. Some good and some not so
good. But I am thankful to have experienced what I have because I know a value of freedom that most will never know and it is even more fuel for me to protect against the evils that are out there.

Hopefully this helps even one person to understand me better and the fuel that drives me. So, when I tell you I can not explain why I joined the military at least this is here to try and help you understand MY reasons. It truly is in my blood to be a protector (family, friends, country etc.). So whether you like this or not here it is…… Thank you to all who have read it. As Always I am grateful.

June 16, 2011 Posted by Darren Hardman | Feelings from war and beyond | America, Army, Conversation with GOD, Darren Hardman, Feelings from war and beyond, Hope, Love, Poem, Soldier, TBI, War, Warrior | 2 Comments